“Men
always say that as the defining compliment, don’t they? She’s a cool girl.
Being the Cool Girl means I am a hot, brilliant, funny woman who adores
football, poker, dirty jokes, and burping, who plays video games, drinks cheap
beer, loves threesomes and anal sex, and jams hot dogs and hamburgers into her
mouth like she’s hosting the world’s biggest culinary gang bang while somehow
maintaining a size 2, because Cool Girls are above all hot. Hot and
understanding. Cool Girls never get angry; they only smile in a chagrined,
loving manner and let their men do whatever they want. Go ahead, shit on me, I
don’t mind, I’m the Cool Girl."
-Amy Dunne (Gone
Girl)
Cool girls eat whatever they want and stay skinny.
Cool girls never get angry.
If you're hot enough, you don't have to be cool.
If
you've seen the movie Gone Girl, you know that being the cool girl didn't work
out too well for the main character, Amy. Her husband cheated on her with a
"younger, bouncier cool girl." You'll also already know that it
didn't work out too well for him, but I digress. Being the cool girl never
really works out well for anyone. Being the cool girl involves not being like
"other girls," which implies that there is something wrong with women
in general. It's a kind of internalized misogyny. It perpetuates a myriad of
stereotypes of women being full of drama and psycho and catty and high-maintenance.
Being a cool girl is just being a guy in a hot girl's body. Being the cool girl
involves silently standing by when guys call other girls sluts or say that all
girls are crazy. Being a cool girl means being something that you are not and
being passive. Cool girls don't have all those annoying feelings that other
girls have.
The
cool girl persona is perpetuated by both men and women. I will hear guys
discuss things like how annoying it is that girls take so many pictures trying
to get the perfect picture, yet those same guys will criticize a photo of
a girl for being unattractive. How is a girl supposed to win? A cool girl would
never care about what she looks like, but she always looks perfect. The trick
to being a cool girl is to always look and act perfect with the air that you
don't care and aren't trying. Cool girls know the secret, that there is no such
thing as the cool girl in real life, because we all have feelings.
Middle school and high
school girls seem to be especially vulnerable to the cool girl message. These
girls are trying to figure out who they are and how to be accepted, and they
are constantly bombarded with contradictory messages. This is a time that girls
should learn to be assertive, but society is telling them to "Be cool. Be
chill. You don't want people to think you're a psycho like other girls,
right?" Everywhere you turn there are messages telling women what to look
like and how to act. The problem is pervasive. It's not to say that women
aren't cool. There are a lot of women out there who love sports or video games
or have a lot of male friends. There is nothing wrong with this. The problem
with the cool girl stereotype lies in the idea that there is something
wrong with most girls. It also lies in the idea that cool girls don't get
angry, but that's not being cool. That's just being a doormat.
The
first step to combating this harmful cool girl image is to tell young girls
that it is okay to be themselves. Encourage them to have female friendships.
Teach them that it is okay to have feelings. Tell them that they don't have to
be cool and chill all the time in order for people to like them. Be a role
model who speaks kindly of other women and others in general. Teach girls that it is healthy to be assertive. Encourage girls to speak up when they hear guys
or other girls perpetuating negative stereotypes about women. Other than being
role models and encouraging young girls to be assertive, another thing that
might help girls is a mindfulness practice. Mindfulness is a nonjudgmental awareness
of what is happening in the present moment such as thoughts, feelings, and
sensations. I've always been an advocate for yoga and meditation in schools.
These mindful activities build confidence and provide clarity, especially in a
confusing time like middle school. Meditation and yoga have been shown to
decrease stress, promote positive body image, and increase self-confidence.
Mindfulness gives girls the opportunity to slow down and be able to
differentiate the messages of how they "should feel," and experience
how they are actually feeling in that moment. A mindfulness practice is
beneficial to everyone, but would be especially helpful to girls. I added a few
links below to resources for beginning a mindfulness practice.
What
do you think of the cool girl stereotype? Do you think this impossible standard
causes stress for young girls? I challenge you to try one of the mindfulness
exercises in the links below and notice if you feel differently after. If you
don't have much time, the first one, "Leaves on a Stream," is just
over 5 minutes. To begin a mindfulness practice, all it takes is 5 minutes a
day. After trying a mindfulness exercise, let me know in the comments how you
think a mindfulness practice could be helpful to young girls facing the
pressures of society. Thanks for reading!
Mindfulness
Resources:
Leaves on a Stream
10 Minute Mindful Breathing Exercise
10 Minute Yoga Sequence
Mindful Body Scan Exercise
